Magkano na ang Lactum?

Anyways, I came here again to jot what my mind has been telling me for days now which dwell on the three things I am only occupied about - home, work, and school.

Home means a lot of money has been going out and it is draining us well. We had this money talk one time and got into details of our finances when all of a sudden we asked ourselves why is it getting harder these days? Really, with all the wrong financial  decisions (not matching cashoutflow with the cash inflow and stuff); also with the house stripping us of around 7k in a month, and upping Sha’s pay and Gabby’s baby needs hitting up the 300% increase mark on milk is having me reassess the paycheck.

Then after the current situation we got to the investing part, of owning a house and a car and even if we don’t openly admit, that part of the conversation of getting envious of the people who have been getting past us in the “going rich” lane.

We dealt with the migration part on who goes first to where and the most important question of when. Years ago he has not been very into those discussions but I think these days he’s been pondering a lot about the things we need to get moving to pump more gas in our car, figuratively.

What’s good about this though is we don’t fight and merely take these as facts that we needed to get around with. I still get in love with the man I planned those dreams with and while we are starting the reality of those dreams and are having a hard startup I always tell myself that it doesn’t matter how long it will take because we have a lifetime for it. Only at times I get to be so pressing that it’s turning me sideways.

I am quelled on having to explore much out of work since my schooling needed to be taken into consideration.

Anong Gupit Mo?

This is not a read between the line post, I just wanted to write about what I thought about when I had my hair trimmed earlier this morning.

Dalawa ang pinag-pipilian kong salon - yung Petra at Pepita sa may kanto ng Q Ave at Edsa tsaka yung Reyes Haircutters sa Philcoa. They are both on my way home but their price differs. Petra and Pepita Salon charges Php38 for a haircut while the latter charges Php50.

While I was deciding though, I thought Reyes charges a hundred and it made a factor why I chose to go there thinking that if I wanted quality it had to be proportional with the price. If the salon charges one hundred pesos to account for profit, haircutters' labor, and overhead - it is safe to bet that because the haircutter's part in the pie  he will be happier to trim my hair properly.

I was satisfied with the haircut. When I went to the counter the cashier told me that the service costed Php50 only. The pie in my head started to shrink and scream fifty pesos only! The haircutter's portion of the pie started to thin dramatically. How many minutes did the haircutter spend trimming my hair plus the extra minutes he spent redoing the whole thing because I wanted it  a little shorter?

Text Message Sent

Balita ko pinipili mo na lang daw ang tinitext mo a, sabi ng kuya ko nang minsang mahuli nya ako sa facebook. Sabi ko wala akong oras at kung naiintindihan yun ng ibang tao, hindi nila sasabihing namimili ako. Pero pagkatapos naming magchat sabi ko kailangan ko na talagang isulat ang mga bagay na nasa utak ko.

Hindi ang kawalan ng oras ang dahilan. Hindi ang walang muwang na oras ang dapat laging sisihin sa mga kakulangan. Dahil marami tayo nyan at hindi lang natin napapahalagahan.

Araw araw pag papasok ako ng opisina, isang oras ang nagugugol ko sa byahe. Sa isang oras na ito nakakapagmumuni muni ako sa mga bagay na hindi na nagkakaroon ng puwang sa masyadong busy kong schedule - yun ang nais kong ikatwiran. Nandyan ang pagtanong ko sa kabuluhan ng buhay na pinili ko at sa mga ideyang hindi nakatalon mula sa pangarap patungo sa reyalidad.

UP Ikot

I am now in my second year studying MBA in Peyups (yes, whether you like it or not). I am an average person upstairs but I improvise creatively. Wisdom is not solely attributed to intelligence although more often we underestimate our capability to get through any situation requiring application of that so called data-to-information process.

As I was rushing out of the building right after my IT Management class last night to catch the last UP Ikot trip, I saw this car approach the driveway. It would not have caught my attention had it not have a uniformed driver and my classmate riding at the backseat. She looked like she wanted to discreetly do so but I saw her and she saw me see her.

It got me into thinking not about the disparity of our economic status but about the different kinds of people studying and their reasons behind.

Clearly, I and she made the same thought process in deciding to take the masters and have the same determination to finish the course.

We just take different rides to get there.

Backless

I'm back! I really wanted to write even just one entry in 2014 but never had the chance. well, i really had maybe a lot of chances but the intention never got past my complacency to actually sit down and blabber.

And then I enrolled in IELTS review for my IELTS exam sometime soon.

One of the advice was to keep on writing, reading, and speaking English until it  becomes natural for me to write, read, and speak as if English is my vernacular.

So here I am. I got rusty based on the diagnostics but one thing you should know about me is that I don't easily get discouraged.

Here's Gabby practicing her writing.

8-7=2

It's true - mataas ang standard ko sa pakikipagkaibigan. Hindi yung tipong kung sino'ng dumating, pwede na. Hindi rin pwede yung aanga-anga. Iba yun sa slow kasi walang lunas yung una. Ayoko rin ng plastik - yung tatawa sa joke ko kasi kaibigan ko sya. Kung kaibigan kita, nasabihan mo na ako ng waley sabay ng walang hanggang pang-aasar sa 'bog' moment ko. As in walang hanggan  hangga't hindi nila nakakalimutan.  Ang gusto ko yung hindi pikon – yung naniniwalang napakaiksi ng buhay para sayangin sa walang kapararakang bagay. Ang gusto kong kaibigan yung makikinig sa yo kahit pati ikaw hindi mo mahanap ang point pati na sa mga pagkakataong gusto mong ipakita sa kanya kung nasaan ang point o kung wala na kayong mapag-usapan dahil wala nang point.

Yung tumatahimik pag wala ka sa mood at napapatahimik ka pag wala sya sa  mood. Yung makikipagmatigasan sa yo sa kung ano’ng paniwala nya pero hindi ka pipiliting umayon sa kanya. Yung hindi nahihiyang ipagmalaki sayo ang mga kalakasan nya at ibida sa yo ang mga kashungahan nya sa buhay. Yung tipong parang naipause lang na video ang kwentuhan pagkakita nyo matapos ang ilang araw, buwan o taon ang dumaan.

Bakit ganun ang pamantayan ko? Iba kasi ang depinisyon ko sa pakikipagkaibigan. Hindi yung tipong pag umalis, tangay na. Kung kaibigan kita, maniwala ka hanggang ngayon kahit ano man ang nangyari sa dumaang panahon, nararamdaman mo pa rin ako. Kung kaibigan kita, nababasa mo ito ngayon. 

Shoelaces

I haven’t been too reflective lately just looking at some pictures. Or just listening to a song. Or while cooling down from a workout. Or about just anytime a thought strikes me and bullets right through the tearducts.

I‘ve changed a lot lately just gauging from how I tie my shoelace and my life perspective in general. I hug often; I say I love you every day more often than I did in my teenage years. I still pick up fight about petty things but not as often as I let go of them before it boils to a fight. I’m learning to say sorry if it’s my fault as well as know when I am at fault. This is the hardest by the way. If you don’t find it hard, you must be very saintly or you’re a hypocrite.

Speaking my mind has also been a very big leap. When I was younger I was afraid because I might hurt somebody. It’s just lately that I realized if I let fear get in the way just as how many thank you’s and very good’s and that’s a very good idea and you’re making me laugh am I putting to no use? I also think it fair to say that’s not right and I didn’t feel good about what you said or why don’t you do this instead to let them know something is amiss and should be righted. Feedback is the most held back gift we can give because its art ate the better side of it.

Remember that “where will you be in 5 years” question? That’s visionary. If you don’t have an answer to it yet, you should go to your room and never get out till you do. It need not be overwhelming as turning millionaire overnight- we know how things amortize this side of earth – but as long as your answer lets you see through why you are doing or not doing things today, we are on the same page. Why else should you stay breathing if you are living just to breathe?

Have I told you I play the piano for our church when I was in grade five until occasionally? Came with that were those “I am a daughter of God!” eureka moments. It was a music ministry so I learned to pray through a song. If I don’t feel like it, I just play the piano. I didn’t have to push myself to sing. My Father understands. Some years I just play the piano and I may have found my voice because I’m singing again. Homing, however long it takes, is a very good key to getting ahold of the essentials.  I can assure you, your Father is listening.

Now you’re bored but I’m just getting to my point. It’s normal. Boring is made for us to talk to ourselves and talk back. It’s a good exercise.

When I was a kid and my dad used to have this stash of big cameras when slim cameras are fad, I wouldn’t be able to cut my birthday cake until I’m finished posing for him. He takes our photograph on just about any special occasion there is. He must have been very passionate on his hobby spending a lot on films and having these developed! Years later? I am one heck of a lucky daughter! I can show those old photographs to my child and I can tell stories about them.

Photographs freeze moments in time. So take them any time you fancy and store right where nobody can steal them. Not all of us have those big or slim cameras but we have the best macro and aperture settings with about 500mp plus a zillion mb built-in memory camera. Go figure out why you can’t remember who’s sitting in front of you in grade three.

As to how I tie my shoelaces – I don’t. I keep them tied when I take them off so I wouldn't have to tie it back when I put them on. There’s too much time but I have wasted enough.

Angel's Breath

Not many know about my pregnancy yet. I and my husband are still waiting for that “right time” to announce it to the world that finally we are again having a baby. I have read a lot from the internet as to what time is the right time but for us, our reason roots from an unsuccessful pregnancy last year.

From a previous blog I promised to tell you about that sweet but yet too fast journey I had with her. What better time than now that I am expecting her brother/sister to continue the love she has begun? And of course it tells me that I have completely healed and ready to let go of all the pain that came with her passing.

I had been feeling nauseous for a week before flying to the US for a three-month long training so to be sure I went to Medical City-Trinoma to confirm my hunch. Three days before my flight I saw through the sonogram my baby’s heart beating. She was 7 weeks old.

The first trimester did not come easy. I was far away from my husband and from the usual food. I still work even when I don’t feel like doing it because I am on client territory. I ate odd-looking and smelly hotel food (only because I am extra sensitive and not that the hotel didn’t serve good food) even when I really craved for dinuguan and munggo. I wake up in the middle of the night crying  for no reason at all.

It was not easy getting accustomed to the idea that there’s a life inside me. As days pass and my belly started to show, I started to pat the bump and talk to it. It was very awkward at first – I can only get to tell her hi. Then I started to explain to her why she’s not hearing dad’s voice and how she’ll hear it soon; sing to her songs; and tell her what happened at work. The bonding ultimately stuck, I can now call myself a mother.

A week before I flew back home I had to get a medical clearance.  The trip to the hospital is a story in itself. I cannot use the hotel car to go to Mercy’s Hospital because it is beyond the shuttle’s 5-mile radius. Jackie, the hotel driver was very gracious to take me and back on her day-off using her own car. This is her, and the little Wendy’s ice cream she bought for the baby using her lifetime Wendy’s ice cream card:

Then came my turn to be checked. The doctor’s name was Jennifer Graybow who had been very accommodating knowing the drill of us foreigners needing those clearances. I think I amused her when after the check up I asked if it is ok for me to take her photo. I told her I wanted to put it in the baby book. Here’s her and me:

 

And then I’m back home. My husband looked funny when he saw me and my 5-month belly out of the arrival area. He looked ecstatic with a hint of disbelief to my enormousness.  Nonetheless, it was a very happy reunion.

Breezing through the three weeks were yet again loads of work and stress that eventually took its toll on my baby. It took a lot of time for me to accept that everything was my fault, and yes, up until now I still feel guilty losing her.  Is it love knowing you want her but not doing more than what could have made her stay? People can blame me all they want but I’ll take console that God planned it for reasons He alone will unfold in time.

So I believe that it’s God’s timing that another baby is on the way. She was only 5 weeks old when we found out about her but is too early to see through a sonogram. We saw her when she was 8 weeks old – a tiny heart beating in what looks like a seed silhouette. She’s now 13 weeks old and is too young to know if she’s a she or a he so for the meantime I’d like to call her a she.

The weeks in between saw me through daily vomiting and nausea and a lot of food cravings. These were what everybody got to see. Inside, and when only my husband is there to listen I tell him all my doubts and fears for this new chance to be happier.  I feel better when he tells me that God knew we wanted a baby so much and we’re more than ever ready now. Everything that happened was His way to prepare what He meant for us.

Make It Better

I am upset right now. I have a big problem of meshing things to one big ball then letting it roll over me. I am already past into seeing the superficial when things are laid down for me to react on. It is not even necessary that I should be reacting this way, as told, but when I tell you what I am coming from, even I have convinced myself I have every right to react that way for expression’s sake.

It’s happening again. But only this time I am clearly put in a situation that wants me to feel sorry of something that I have no control of, and maybe not even an issue to who is concerned. I see it as plain cut-throat actualization.

-  I found this scribble months after and took some time to understand what was it all about. It was about people picking me over another. Why was I upset? Because it was very clear to me that picking any one from us was unnecessary. I was able to point it out to them, not sure if I should feel sorry that I had to make them see what was there all along.

- Lesson learned? Know when you are upset. it tells you that something is not right and that you have to do something about it to feel better.

Dynomite

In this wee hour of the morning i am awake, busily busting those eggs the dyno is endlessly throwing. i have done the hard stomped applying every strategy of organizing those colors to make them explode. sandali, nahihirapan ako magenglish.

pinili ko kasi agad ung hard.walang thrill pag madali lang. ayon, nd ko matapos tapos. dyno always outwits me find every odd colored balls to make me lose.

aun, lumipat ako sa endless puzzle mode. ang siste, nandun si asar na wriley na lagi ding me dalang ibang kulay ng bola na isasalaksak ko sa kung saan at bubuo ng tatlong magkakalapit na kulay para sumabog sila. in the end it will always crush me because it is endless.

i knew beforehand that i'll lose. coz it's designed to defeat me. pero sige pa din ako. alam ko kasi kahit gano karaming kulay ng bola ang ibato nya sa akin magagawan ko ng paraan para ayusin. patibayan lang ng loob na alam mong nandyan na pero susuungin mo pa rin. gusto mong manalo pero hindi palaging ayon sa standard ng laro.

minsan sa sarili mo, alam mong hindi ka naglalaro para talunin si dyno kundi para maipanalo mo ang parte ng sarili mong gustong may mapatunayan.

sa dulo naapakan ka man ng malaking paa ni dyno tatanungin ka pa rin -

do you want to return to the game?

the day that i lost her

i'm still in the process of picking up the pieces, trying to be stable after what happened.

I lost my baby last friday and things went a little too hazier from that time on.

I don't know how else life will get kinder, but i know i am stronger, and some sunrises after i'll be back with that same old smile again.

before that happens i'll walk limping, cry heavily, and blame myself for the things that could have been if i have only.

one thing i have in mind though, is how lonelier this could be if there are no people i can run to, that technically i am poor for, i only have people i have hurt but knew i loved.

i am still very incoherent-still trying to make sense out of this whole thing that happened unexpectedly.

when i post in another i'll tell you everything in that sweet but yet too fast journey i had with my daughter.

How's the Weather

I am still here in the US, waiting for the training to wrap up so I can go home. I have trained for 3 months and has seen the way Americans live. I have gone through 3 tornados, 1 earthquake and countless storms during that span of time.

It's almost everyday that I hear strangers I meet in corridors, in walkways, hotel lobbys that the opening conversation goes this way:

Stranger: "How's it going?"
Me : "Good, how bout you?"
Stranger: "Wonderful!"

In the beginning I only get to saying good. But when I got the hang of it (and overhear them ask back how has the other been) I also started asking them how they are. I forgot that courteousness was taught in elementary.

So I went meeting them again for the days that came and the small nods gradually made it to small talks.

The easiest way to strike up a conversation is to comment on what is happening outside: here are good starters..

It's so hot! (and you will most likely get back an "oh yeah, today's warm and will be for the rest of the week" answer)
Where were you when the tornado hit? (I hope this is not used often but this is a general question that is safe to ask if you are in a group)
Did you feel the earthquake hit? I thought i was imagining things.
I love the sunshine!
Do you like rain?

Did I think they are impersonal? Yes. Until I thought how climate plays one of the factors shaping culture. I forgot it was taught in Social Sciences back in high school.

It dictates how people value certain things in their lives, how to be detached to everything that cannot be kept forever. Just as when a tornado calms down that they cry less and spend more time salvaging things. Just as how easy to leave home to get someplace else to better their lives. Just as what the weather is - here today gone tomorrow.

Born Again

I'm gonna prep up my blogspot coz I decided to have a daily public journal here rather than in Facebook. I am more into the story behind what the pictures cannot tell. I am also more comfortable having people know things about me because they bothered clicking the link not just because it suddenly popped off their wall.

I am also worried that when it's my time to go no one will know the stories behind how my life had been. I think a little bit of everyday in paper will not hurt to give my baby some bits to ponder on as she goes her way.

You'll expect surprises here, you'll get bored, even get angry or sad, share my joys and sorrows - and I will, too if you'd care to tell me how have you been in your journey. I might even be upped to share some photos. Everything goes.

Thanks for visiting =)

sundot kulangot

"un pala ang gusto kong maging sa buhay ko. faultfinder."

i don't know how i felt nung marinig ko to kanina. my first reaction was to rethink about how i knew the person and can just slightly find a part of her personality to be that way.

pero napaisip ako that by nature ganito talaga tayong mga tao mas madali nating makita ang kamalian kaysa sa kabutihan sa ibang tao.

ika nga ng kasabihan, when somebody does something good nobody remembers. when somebody does something bad, no one forgets.

at maging sa pakikitungo natin sa ibang tao may katotohanan ito - we describe a person by his flaws. yung babaeng maliit na mataba na maitim, yung lalaking maanghit na madumi ang kuko sa paa blah blah

- - - -

sundutin mo man kahit mukhang kulangot, pag ninamnam mo -

masarap din naman.

very due to spill some creative juice off the rack.

these days waves are hitting my boat and i am very tempted to imagine that i am just somewhere in the caribbean enjoying my own self paced cruise. the buzzer sounds - back to reality.

i have faced this same monitor for a year and a half already and the many days i had to boot everyday saw me through different kind of moods emoticons are very accurate of mimicking.

One day I come all made up – hitting the keys as gentle as the mood I am in. the other day I look at it with disgust – already counting in mind the hours my wrists will strain. It never mattered – whatever I am feeling I should get up, dress up, and show up.
Get a life! A friend once advised. She dissected my social meter and it perfectly described the current state it is in – boring.

But have you tried doing something very out of your comfort zone it makes you uneasy? Like a fish out of the water wanting to just dive back in even when it means just swimming in the same bowl forever? That is boring. But safe. It keeps you from those pain necessary when socializing – discrimination, self-pity, what-else-is-there-to-compare-with mentality. Other than that, I’m fine going out to get a life.

---- patalastas -----



each day i practically always wake up at 6:45, fix my bed, put on my slippers, go across the living room and flip the switch on. Then i grab my towel,heat up a cup for coffee, then go take a bath. I hang the towel on the rack, prepare the shampoo, conditioner, bath soap, and femme wash and do my thing. paglabas ko titimplahin na ang kape, kukuha ng tatlong pirasong loaf bread at isang saging. at about 8:20 makikita mo na ako palabas ng bahay at sasakay na ng kulay green na tricycle. Pagdating sa Philcoa sasakay na ng shuttle na iikot sa Tandang Sora at hihinto right in front of our building. Then bababa ako sasakay ng elevator papuntang fourth floor. bubulaga sa akin si kuya guard na gupit lang ang nagbabago at isaswipe ko ang aking badge, liliko pakaliwa at didiretso sa restroom. pagkatapos maglalakad na sa hallway papunta sa aking workstation. magbubukas ng computer, uupo, ilalapag ang bag, kukuhanin ang jaket at isasampay sa upuan, maglalabas ng gamit, at sisimulan na ang trabaho. sino'ng maysabing routinary ang buhay ko? Gusto mong malaman kung paano ko inuubos ang weekends ko?

----- balik sa programa -----

Which poses me the same question over and over - does my social meter need fixing?

F as in Efren

Papunta ako sa restroom kanina at nadaanan ko ung payroll na tumatawag. Nag-ispell sya over the phone. I for India, M for Mary… Kaya naisipan kong hanapin kung ano ang standard na phonetics at ang tawag pala ditto ay Military Phonetics Language. Anyways, what comes to mind is the movie WINDTALKERS by Nicholas Cage. Nadedetect ng mga kalaban nila ung communication nila kaya ang naisip ni Cage e mag-enlist ng mga Indians, the Navajo Tribe para sila ang mag-usap over the radio. Ayun, windang ang mga kalaban nung magjejemon yung mga sundalong tinitiktikan nila. Anyways...

Letter 1957-Present
A Alfa (or Alpha) . _
B Bravo _ . . .
C Charlie _ . _ .
D Delta _ . .
E Echo .
F Foxtrot . . _ .
G Golf _ _ .
H Hotel . . . .
I India . .
J Juliett . _ _ _
K Kilo _ . _
L Lima . _ . .
M Mike _ _
N November _ .
O Oscar _ _ _
P Papa . _ _ .
Q Quebec _ _ . _
R Romeo . _ .
S Sierra . . .
T Tango _
U Uniform . . _
V Victor . . . _
W Whiskey . _ _
X X-ray _ . . _
Y Yankee _ . _ _
Z Zulu _ _ . .

http://usmilitary.about.com/od/theorderlyroom/a/alphabet.htm

sunset

Should I be having a good camera and may start professionally in photography (well at least for this blog I can update with good subjects) magpofocus ako sa sunset. Gustong gusto ko ang kulay ng papalubog na araw. At ang madaming pwedeng ipakahulugan tungkol dito.
- My sunset is someone else’s sunrise –
I took this in Bagulin:

this is my youngest niece, si arriane ayeisha. his dad, si kuya ev ko, at ako, lahat kami merong hubad na picture habang naliligo. ewan ko nga ba kung saan nag-umpisa ang tradisyong ito. but one thing is sure, up til now, when we look at our nude baby pix, aside from the humiliation we occassionally get, good memories come with it. mga panahong walang pakialam kung tumulo man ang uhog at dilaan namin ito o makailang singhutin para lamang tumulo ulit. i wish for my nieces and nephew the same, to have a carefree childhood memories to fondly look on years from now.

i had to delete the picture,. hehe

Titodaddy's Spa-tial Father's Day

Sumali ako sa Father’s Day contest sa office. Magsasubmit ng picture ng tatay at gagawa ng write up describing the photo. Nanalo ako at may spa experience sa acropolis. Di punta naman kami this weekend.
This is my first spa experience kaya gusto kong isulat. Bakit ba. Di pasok ng building, ieentertain ng receptionist. Ang kinuha kong service ung – Executive. Libre na daw ang wet floor facilities which includes the sauna, Jacuzzi, tsaka shower. Nagshower lang ako kasi walang extra undies at hindi ko feel magburles duon kasama ang mga ibang girls at sa sauna naman, nung naconvince ko na ang sarili kong itry para lumambot ang mga libag ko at medaling makuskos, naunahan na ako nung machorvang babaeng pumasok sa room. Ayokong may kashare e. so un.
After the bath diretso na ako sa room at aba pumasok na ang masahista daladala ang kanyang oils at mga kandila. Haaay, at sa loob ng 75 minutes naramdaman ko ang ginhawang dulot ng kanyang mapagpalang mga kamay. Choz
Ganun pala yon, pero mahal. Hindi ko uulitin yon kung manggagaling sa bulsa ko. I know a luxury when I see one. And knowing me, the alltime kuripot girl - - -
Anyways, I’m gonna share you the entry – here it is.

Titodaddy took on fathering us since Dad passed away in 2001. He has three sons but I am counting myself as the only daughter, his eldest.
One time while in college, I asked him to pay my boarding house. We were not very well off but he gave me what I asked. To myself I didn't know how to repay but I told him, "I'll give this back". He just smiled and said "You don't have to". This is what Titodaddy has. A heart big enough to contain me the way he did even when he didn’t have to.
I know my daddy will not get jealous. His brother brought me up right. Dad did not see me become who we dreamed of when I was young but Titodaddy saw to it that I'll be.
This picture? It is just one of the simple ones we have. Plain enough to see how assured I look knowing that nothing will go wrong becauseTitodaddy is beside me.
That’s where best fathers are found.

IRIS

I’ve been meaning to write as much as I can about any thing that comes to my fancy, or about anything that happens to me, or about anything worth my time jotting down. But if things are too handy, sometimes we end up not noticing them right away. We look too far because what is near seems not to make up for our eye’s capacity to see.

I wanted to write about the world, wanting to be noticed of something worthwhile that I have written. Only, that the world I should have been writing is the kind of world I know, not that world every body else is seeing.
I will be writing mostly in Tagalog now. Anyways, I took this picture from the DFA auditorium ceiling. Closely resembles the iris don’t you think?

ukay ukay

i am using my oldest corporate top right now. it dates back when i was a minor trying to look of authority in front of our college FS panel. it's funny how i would put the top at the back of my closet not intending to wear it again - and when i clean up i find myself using it again. it looks old to me now but i still am comfortable wearing it.

it's funny when you wear something old that old times come to you instantly. it was never a problem to me, i have a hard time letting go of old things - i am a pack rat. i don't know if this is a good attitude but the feeling of something familiar in a constantly changing atmosphere lets me stop for a while and get back to the things i really want.

i wore this top and it sort of put me back to that room where all i wanted is to tell my panel to get on with it and i'm out. i left that room - wearing what was then a brand new top - wearing my first successful grin. it brought me back today that kind of success - and no it did not get old.


my mother's earrings she got from her mother who had it from her father is another of those i find very mysterious. it is the only heirloom i have, my only connection to the older generation of the family. in two occasions i thought i lost one forever and i can't explain the loss that came with it. for about a month i can't get over how i got so neglectful of a very important thing. i am very convinced i lost it in school as the lock has gotten loose. then as i come from school i found the earring hanging on a nail in our hallway. how the hell did it get there? it looked the same but to me it didn't look old anymore. it has become a new link to something i would want to pass on to my children.

now that earring has a special place in my closet, locked up with all the other old lucky tops i'll always hold dear in my heart.

choice - choose - chose - chosen

it's funny when at times another choice presents itself and you knew right away you are going to choose it. hindi naman to masyadong seryoso. kasi kanina tumawag si kuya ko saying he'll be here in two days time. i have a weekend getaway in galera so i thought of cancelling it with a reservation fee of $1000 charged to loss.

what i want to point out is there are choices which could make you let go of something equally important because you know that what you have chosen will not have you saying should haves later. well, it's not even a choice in this case because family should always come first.

dibidi clear copy

linggo ng gabi habang naglalakad ako papunta sa sakayan ng traysikel, nahigingan ko ang isang namumuong awayan. isang hindi pangakaraniwang eksenang napapanood ng isang probinsyanang magdadalawang taon pa lang sa maynila. first time kong makapanood ng true to life komprontasyon ng isang legal na asawa yata o girlfriend at ng isang kabit. sabi nung matandang babaeng nagtitinda ng mga kunyari inuusyoso kong dvd sa bangketa para may rason akong manood ng eksena, lagi daw kasing nakabackride yong girlet dun sa erick na traysikel driver pala dun sa KNL TODA. oh em gee at nang sundan ko ng tingin ang tinuturong erick por dios! wala na akong sinabi. nangingiti na lang ako habang nagugunita ang pagsasabunutan ng dalawang nilalang na pinaglaruan ng iisang pag-ibig. chos. sa kamay ko hawak ko na ang dvd'ng isa ring saksi ng aking pangangaliwa (hoy! iba iniisip mo, pamimirata!)/ ganun kaya un, parehong kopya pero mas mura ang pirata? at para lang may masabi, kung ako si erick pipiliin ko na yung pangalawa. mas sariwa, pero higit sa lahat sabi nga ni bob ong, kapag papipiliin ka, piliin mo yung pangalawa. dahil walang pangalawa kung mahal mo ung una. yung pangalawa, mas mura nga. hay

kontin g barya ate, koya

i was on my way to cubao this morning to buy groceries. while onboard the jeepney there's this kid distributing his stinky envelopes with some scribbles asking for "konting barya pang kain lang po ate kuya". on instinct, because i just took my bath got the envelope on the tip of two fingers and immediately gave it back to the kid. ang hirap idescribe sa english. nagpunas muna sya ng sipon bago nya kinuha sa kamay ko, at nasagi pa nya. i looked at him disgustingly and turned my back away.
ang yabang ko ano? pero totoong yun ang ginawa ko. bakit nga kaya ang instinct natin e mandiri sa kanila? at totoong mapanghi at hindi maintindihan ang amoy nila. pero alam mo, ang nakakakonsensya hindi na nga ako nakatulong nandidiri pa ako. at sinisi ko sa isip ko ang mga nanay at tatay nila, ang mga lola at lolo nila, ang mga kapitbahay nila, ang gobyerno, hanggang wala na akong masisi. sino ang may kasalanan na nasa harap ko kanina yung bata at napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na isa rin pala akong mapang-alipusta? sino ang may kasalanang nasa harap ko kanina ang bata at pinandirihan ko?
mga tanong na ihahanapan ko ng sagot na magiging pabor sa kakulangan ko.
nuong akinse ng abril, naifile ang income tax return ko. kanina sa grocery nagbayad ako ng VAT. anong ginagawa ko at nakokonsensya ako sa bata? hay naku. wala na akong sinabi.
at sa daan pauwi dahil sa kabagalan ng trapiko sa hilerang iyon ng 15th avenue napatitig ako sa isang poste at nairita na naman ako. yung isang pulitiko kaganda ng posing sa poster. parang artista lang. aba nakikita ko ang ginawang pagdiamond peel sa kanya with seaweed mask, ang pageyelash extension habang ang mga paa at kamay ay minamassage at minamanicure pedicure, ang pagrebond sa buhok nyang nangungulay tanso na, ang pagthreading sa perpektong kilay nya - at nakita ko yung bata. nangiwi na lang ako at nandiri - hindi na sa kapanghian nya - kundi sa katotohanang maulanan man sya at masabunan at mabihisan mananatili syang busabos at sa katagalan mangangamoy ulit at mandidiri tayo ulit at ang mundo ay iinog lang nang parang walang nangyari.

ngayon ko lang totally naprove that i can express my ideas in writing best when i'm not in a good mood. i was totally stressed kanina and the creative juices started to run like i can see them dripping in front of me. the sad thing though is i can't let them stop that i had to run after them now.

not that i write very well but just the same being very modest about it is as worse as bragging.
yes, i write better than good but i only have my self and family to prove that. i also won a literary contest in elementary and in college so that i think is enough to mark the point. i can write as good.

ayun, the past few weeks had been a blurr, some wind caused my hair to dry but i somehow managed to try comb them once in a while.just read through the strands.

there were work changes but as my lead said "there are lots of changes but all of them good". so i won't brood about the hang ups i'm done with that. i'll just talk about the better things that happened to me in the process.

my first work has made a different rhoda altogether. she now tries to speak, and has learnt that chuckling after every sentence is not very formal although she still does it when she fails to reprimand herself. using her wits and always trying to put them together is best than just talking her brain. she learned that there are different kinds of people in the square world they call office and that it requires care to know each of them for good rapport. and most she learned that emotion is not a very good investment as she loses more than what she gains. she'd rather make it in the margins and feel at the least. and most importantly she learned the truth about the white collar man's belly.

-----------

christmas is 10 days away and i still have around 20 gifts more to buy. slashing the list with best buys is hard but through it i started to warm and the ideas came crashing in. i got a 48 pieces crayola for a boy inaanak, a lunchbox for a girl, a can opener for a boy friend (coz he always borrows ours), a chocolate candy for the water delivery boy - a coloring book, the usual clothes and colognes. who said that giving is hard? it pays more than what you let go. you can't buy the fulfillment you get when you see your list getting done no matter how simple or cheap your gifts are. and that i think should make my christmas this year. slowly living what made me who i am now.

you see, it's not only my giver's money but the value they indirectly taught me - of being selfless and just giving and giving and giving. it's true, when you give it comes back to you double fold. there's no formula to exactly calculate how much is double but there are some things in this life that only sums up to happiness. if you already felt happy, then you know that it went back to you double fold.

-------------

oops, gtg!

friday the 13th

sunod sa nov 12 3 nov 13. so what? di ba. pero big deal daw today kasi nataon sa friday. e malas daw ang friday the 13th. kaya siguro hindi itinapat dito ang aming sweldo. at bonus. na hindi ko mahahawakan dahil ipapamahagi ko sa mga mas nangangailangan. hindi ko na sasabihin kung para kanino para anonymous donor ang dating ko. hindi ipinagkakalat ang kagandahang loob, kahit sa christmas lang.

noong wednesday pumunta ako sa dermatologist ko para macheck nya kung umepekto ba ang tinitira kong gamot at pag-aapply neto sa mukha kong pinutakti daw ng isang planeta ng mga letseng bacteria.

nung unang punta ko, ako ang pinakahuling pasyente. naghintay ako ng dalawang oras. kaya sabi ko, ngayon, pagpatak ng alas tres nanduon na ako para sakto sa schedule nyang 3-6. 4:30 dumating ang bruha. sumahin mo at panalo naman ako ng trenta minutos at narealize ko na parang mas madaling maghintay kapag alam mong nauna ka sa pila. at umusad na nga ang pila. "Mark?" sabi ng doktora.

parang yes ok lang kasi mas matagal ang bubunuin ng mga nakasunod sa yo. wala akong magandang aura nung ako ang huling pasyente. akala ko nga pauuwiin na lang ako nun kasi lampas alas sais na nya ako naconsult.

ngayon unti unti nang bumabalik sa normal ang mukha kong pinagkutahan ng mga mikrobyong natakot sa maduming hangin ng maynila.

saktong pangnovember1 at friday the 13th.

kopy

kanina pinaobserve sa akin ung bagong hire namin. dito sa work hindi naman ako as in masyadong masalita pero pag required namang magsalita (i mean kung kelangan nang magsalita, magsasalita naman ako, hehe) so ayun, ineexplain ko naman kung pano ko ginagawa ung process ko. ewan kung naiintindihan nya. tumatango naman sya. so pinaghands-on ko nlang sya habang ineexplain ko kasi mas madaling maintindihan ung ginagawa mo at ineexplain sa u kesa ineexplain tsaka mo gagawain. ang tendency kasi nung huli, pagkaperiod nung nagexplain sau, nagaautomatic ung utak na idiscard lahat ng info. in my case kasi ganun ako. activated ang auto delete. ayun ok naman, bonding namin with the team.

so after ng session namin, sumama ako sa kanya sa orientation ng health care provider namin. nahuli ako ng dating so wala akong kopya nung parang outline nung seminar. tanong sakin ni bill (xa ung new hire)

"gusto mo ng copy?
ah, bibili ka? sabi ko. "hindi na, nagkape na ako."
"i mean, gusto mo ng copy nung outline?" sabi nya.
"aah, hindi na, ok lang."

oh em gee, iba ang dinig ko. akala ko kape. copy pala. kaarte naman kasi ng pagkakasabi. copy. kape. copy. haha, pero nakakatuwa talaga.

cupsize A

sabi ko last week magbablog ako ng tungkol sa amin ni carlo at ng tungkol sa baha sa amin. pero wala pa ako sa kondisyon para sa mga yun. hindi pa ako masyadong masaya para magkwento sa amin ni carlo at masyado pa akong malungkot para magkwento tungkol sa baha.

lunes na naman. pagdating ko sa opisina binuksan ko agad ang lagayan ko ng mga anik-anik - naglabas ng bolpen, stapler, paper clip, binder clip, post-its, at salamin. nagbukas ng computer, nag-adjust ng upuan, naglabas ng earphone, kumuha ng report. hindi naman nakakasawa dahil pwede namang pagbabalibaligtarin ang sequence. pwedeng unahing magboot ng computer, o kaya maglabas ng salamin... para hindi routinary. ganun lang talaga minsan may mga bagay na paulit ulit mong gagawin sa buhay mo pero nasa sayo na yon kung pano mo makukumbinsi ang sarili mo na sa bawat araw ay natutuwa kang gawin ito.

kahapon nagsimba lang kami ng roommate ko at dumating ang mga friends namin. hindi na kami gumala kundi tumambay nlang kami sa bahay at nanood ng asap. wala lang, ansaya din kasi nakakasama ko yung mga kaibigang naging katropa sa paglalatag ng worksheet na animo carpet at pangongopya ng assignment sa corridor,sa pag-iyak pagkakuha ng mga grades, sa paghalakhak kapag nakachamba sa sagot... sila ang mga kasama kong makarinig lang ng MINI, MINAS,Casti, 65 nawiwindang na.

habang nanonood at kumakain ng pic-a (eto yung pinaghalong nova, piattos at tostillos), tempura, at ding-dong barkada pack, sumasabay sa buka ng bibig ang sandamukal na panlalait sa damit ni chynna ortaleza, sa pagbukaka habang bumibirit ni rachel ann go, sa pagtili sa kagwapuhan ni akihiro sato at john lloyd. sumisingit duon ang walang humpay na chismisan tungkol sa mga kaklase nuong kolehiyo: mga kaklaseng nawala na, nag-asawa na, mga hindi na maalalang pilit inaalala.

maya maya pa at nagawi na ang kwentuhan sa pag-aasawa: mga future eksena daw 30 years from now. siguro nagtatanungan na kami kung ilan na ang anak namin o kung minalas malas at mga hindi nakapag-asawa ay magpapayabangan na lang sa laman ng libreta at mga dumugtong sa hulihan ng pangalan maliban sa tatlong letrang c p at a. at nagkaisa naman kami na sana nawa'y wag maging katotohanan ang pangalawang eksena.

nalipat na naman ang usapan sa size at cup ng bra. wala man lang lumagpas sa 34A kaya hindi ko na lang ikukwento. sumunod na napansin ang mga size ng paa - merong size 4,6,7, at ang pinaka, size 9!

eto yung mga pagkakataong siyang nagbibigay katuturan sa mga palagian nating ginagawa. minsan sa isang linggo aasam asamin nating makatulog maghapon, manood ng dvd maghapon, magsimba kapag linggo, magmalling, o makibonding sa pamilya at kaibigan.

ay uko na nga.

pimples and eggs

meron akong dalawang malaking tigyawat sa noo. magkatabi sila.. papansin. ang hati ko tuloy papuntang opisina ung saktong tatabing pero pansinin pa din talaga. nakakahiya.
anyways isusulat ko lang lahat ng nangyari sa kin sa araw na to.

paggising ko kanina nabungaran ko ang kaisa-isa kong natanggap na text galing kay carlo. happy birthday to us,, sabi nung text. naalala ko animosary pala namin ngayon. lagot! nakalimutan ko. pero ok lang. kunyari naubusan na lang ako ng load. matagal tagal na rin kami ng bebeness ko. marami na ring napagdaanan - at sa mga pagkakataong ganito.. iisa lang lagi ang sinasabi namin. na walang magbabago. wala naman e. mga timbang lang namin ang nagbabago. gawa nlang ako ng masenting blog tungkol samin. yung tipong pagkatapos mong basahin e wala ka nang maitatanong.

pagkatapos nun, nagbayad na kami ng upa ng aming unit ke tita elisa,ang aming landlady na nakwento ko nung nakaraan. mabait na sya ngayon. malaki ang nagawa ng dalawang gabi nyang pagmumuni at siguro na rin sa dalawang araw at gabing naaalala namin sya. sayang at hindi ko nakita yung dila nya kung nagkapirapiraso na. sabi nya, sa klase daw ng trabaho namin kinakailangang magvitamins kami para hindi mas malaki ang magagastos pag nagkasakit. hmmmnnnn. bumabawi ang lola. pasensya hindi ko pa nakakalimutan ang punchline nyang "kayo ang number 1 suspect ko".

nakapanood pala ako ng wowowee. ang mga guests sa willie of fortune ay ang mga asawa ng mga sundalo. nakarelate naman ako kasi nga diba sundalo ang kuya ko at habang tumatagal naiintindihan ko ang mga konsepto ng kasundaluhan na tanging sila lamang at ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay ang nakakaintindi. sometimes, they can't help to involve us in their way of life because we are a part of their life.

sabi nung isa - ganun talaga, siya ang pinili kong makasama habang buhay kaya mahirap man na sa tuwing lalabas sya ng pintuan namin ay hindi ko alam kung kelan sya babalik, nananalig nlang ako sa Diyos na sana ilayo sya palagi sa kapahamakan. marami na naman akong gustong sabihin tungkol dito pero ihihiwalay ko na lang ulit. blog tungkol sa mga sundalong nakahalubilo ko.

di kaninang umaga papasok na ako sa opisina - wala na pala kaming loaf bread. ang nasa food keeper ay mga crackers lang at noodles. ayaw ko nang magluto kaya ung crackers nlang ang kinain ko at nagtimpla ng 3-in-1 kopiko.

habang hinahalo ko yung kape nakita ko yung tray ng itlog. naalala ko yung sinabi ng rummate ko na pwede daw magprito ng itlog sa non-stick frypan na walang mantika. hehe, at alam nyo na ang sumunod. ok nga ang pagkaluto. walang sebo. yun nga lang me nakalimutan ako. hindi ko nalagyan ng asin.

tattoo

nanonood kami ng roommate ko kahapon ng project runway sa aming bagong bagong tv. me kumatok. napagbuksan ko si tita elisa - ang aming landlady na tattoo ang kilay at eyeliner. mukhang seryoso. mukhang galit. nung nakita nyang ako ang nagbukas, ung rummate ko ang tinawag nya. pero ako ang lumabas. gusto nyang tanggalin na namin ung aming portable sampayan na prenteng prente sa puwesto nya - asa gilid ng bintana ng unang unit pag-akyat sa terrace. kasi daw kami ang kanyang number 1 suspect sa dalawang beses na nakawang nangyari sa unit na yon. nawalan daw sila ng cellphone at kable ng telebisyon. at siguro dahil madalas kaming magsampay doon at bago ang aming tv, kami ang napagbintangan.

nanginginig ako at hindi ako makaimik. gusto kong sirain yung sampayan, halos nakikita ko na ang sarili kong pinapalo sya ng tubo nung sampayan sa ulo. ganun pala ang ibig sabihin ng mga taong pinagdidiliman ng isip. pilit akong nagpapakalma pero gumigiit sa isip ko ung "number 1 suspect" na sinabi nya. parang first time lang naman akong napagbintangan at kanina parang gusto ko lang namang magpabawi ng pamimintang kesehodang dumanak ang dugo sa letseng bahay na yon.

integridad na namin ang nakasalalay dun ng kasama ko. ni wala nga syang masabing konkretong basehan nung sa wakas ay naglinaw ang isip ko at napagpasyahan kong wag na lang syang sakalin kundi tanungin nlang kung bakit naman kami sa dinami dami ng tenants nya ang napagdiskitahan nya. ilang beses nyang inulit ang kanyang sampayan theory. sumunod ang roommate ko sa labas dahil narinig daw nya sa unang pagkakataon na tumaas ang boses ko at ikinamangha nya iyon.

natagpuan nya kami ng landlady ko sa isang kahindik hindik na eksena - hawak ko na ang tubo at akma ko nang eerasein ang nakatattoo nyang kilay sa pamamagitan ng malawak na black eye (hay wish ko lang pinalaki akong walang modo at talagang magnanakaw para matikman talaga nya ang hinahanap nya) sya na ang nakipag-usap dahil nakita nyang namumula na ako sa galit at hindi pagkapaniwalang sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon sa buhay namin ay napagbintangan kaming mga magnanakaw.

tita, halughugin nyo po ang unit namin at kung wala kayong nakitang magpapatunay sa ibinibintang ninyo pwede namin kayong ipakulong. sabi nung kasama ko.

sakto namang pagbaba ng tenant sa third floor (asa second floor kami) at mukhang nahigingan ang tensyon. nagbigay sya ng kuro-kuro na marami din kasing mga outsiders ang pumapasok dahil hindi sinasarado ang gate. marami ang kunyari ay mag-iinquire pero hindi naman daw namin alam kung mag-iinquire lang daw ang intensyon.

medyo parang nag-isip ang lola nating tattoo ang kilay at mukhang nalaman nyang medyo may tagas ang kanyang pamimintang. medyo nagkaroon ng loophole ang kanyang educated guess. sa panahong isinasalba kami ng paliwanag ni ate tenant sa kahihiyan - medyo kumalma na ang loob ko at tuluyan nang dumanak sa lupa ang natitirang paggalang ko sa tattoo ng kilay nya.

Iminungkahe ni ateng taga third floor na bawat unit ay magkaroon ng sari sariling susi sa gate para walang ibang makakapasok. Oo nga naman, sabi ko, nang hindi kami napagbibintangang mga magnanakaw dito. Sabi ko sa nabubuwisit na paraan at nag-uumpisa na namang kumulo ang dugo ko.

Pagpasensyahan nyo na ako sabi ng lola nyo pero sa pagkakataong iyon at hanggang ngayon umaalingawngaw pa rin sa pandinig ko ang sinabi nyang mga suspect nya kami sa nakawang naganap.

Pagkatapos ng insidenteng iyon nang kami na lang dalawa ng kasama ko nagtatawanan na lang kami. Sabi namin:
- siguro kasi mukha kaming mga gusgusin at hindi kapanipaniwalang makakabili ng tv
- siguro mga mukha kaming can’t afford bumili ng cellphone
- siguro mga mukha kaming walang pinag-aralan at wala sa mga galaw namin na mga nakapagtapos kami at nagtatrabaho sa mga matitinong kumpanya
- siguro dahil mukha kaming mga busabos at walang pera
- siguro dahil wala kaming mga malalaki at gold na kagaya ng mga hikaw nya
- siguro dahil hindi tattoo ang aming mga kilay
at nang maubusan na kami ng mga siguro natahimik na lang ulit kami at lumabas din ang totoo naming naramdaman sa insidenteng yon.

Pinakamasakit ang mapagbintangan lalo at buong buhay mo ay pinili mong mamuhay nang naaayon sa konsepto ng tama at mali. at hanggang sa oras na ito natitiyak ko pa rin na kapag makakasalubong ko sya at kakausapin nya ako (never na ako ang mag-uumpisang kumibo sa kanya) ay tatawagin ko pa rin syang tita at dudugtungan ng po ang mga pangungusap ko. Pero hindi ako ipokrita para sabihing hindi ko sya minura at tinawag na buwisit, walangya, put’na, at ni hindi ko tatangkaing piliting ibalik ang paggalang ko sa kanya. After all nauna syang umapak ng paggalang nya sa amin sa panghuhusga nya.

Siguro me epekto ang tattoo ng kilay nya kaya sya nagging mapangmata at mapanghusga sa kapwa.

Siguro nga.

lq

nakakatuwa kaninang pauwi ako. merong magjowa away sila sa daan. ung babae mega bugbog-pacute sya sa bf nya while si lalaki naman mega suyo naman sa girlet. kakatuwa nga kasi sa hinaba ng briniskwalk ko para masundan sila at maantabayanan ang eksena, turns out they will end up reconciling and melt (cheesy) sa harap ko. hehe.. well love really makes people crazy. and for some - nosey like me -

yun lang. wala naman masyadong kakaibang nangyari.

SUDOKU

6:40 pm - nagtext si jerum.. ang aking kababayan at kaibigan at katunggali sa mga paligsahan noong aming kabataan. sabi nya me petsa na ang kanyang pakikipagsapalaran sa saudi.

7:05 pm - nasa NBS ako.. naghahanap ng pwedeng ibigay na goodluck gift sa kanya. at naalala ko nung tinulungan nya kaming naglipat nabanggit nya na naaaddict sya sa sudoku. so i got one, then grabbed a bookmark that read "ay nakalimutan ko" basta go follow your dreams to that effect. sinulatan ko naman ung libro at nagdedicate:

Jerum,

I hope the book is enough to last you the next two years but i know that a day is enough for you to solve it.
malulungkot ka dun but we're just a text away to ease some of it.
magbaon ka na ng maraming powdered milk ni tita maria at samahan mo na din ng powdered sanmig para hindi mahuli ng mga arabo.
buh bye... ingatz
Rhoda

natawa naman ako sa binigay ko pero sabi nga nila.. it's the thought that counts. natuwa naman sya at sabi nya.. oi thanks.. magpicture tau... sabay labas ng kanyang sony cybershot 12.1, binaliktad ito at awtomatik namang nagpose ang bruhang katoto nyo. nakadalawang shot din kami kasi yung una e putol sya. masyadong matangkad ang bruho.

mayroong mga pagkakataong napapatunayan ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko naman palang maging kaibigan. supportive at that. tcwang! anyways i hope he does find his luck in there at natatawa naman ako sa sinabi nya:

siguro pagbalik ko me asawa ka na.
sabi ko naman, " hehehe, kunin nlang kitang ninong ng magiging anak ko."

-----
si Jerum, kalaban ko sya lagi noong elementary. hindi ko sya schoolmate. sa ibang school sya at mapacontest sa dama, science, epp.. kami ang naghaharap. astig astigan ang drama ko noon at natutuwa ata sya sa asta ko. hanggang dun lang ang eksena namin.

lumipas ang maraming taon, malalaki na kami. sya lang ang tumangkad. ako, nanatiling bansot. naging magkaibigan at magkakulitan sa text.

nito nito lang nung inaway ko sya dahil mafeeling sya. akala nya tayp ko sya pero hindi naman. bwahaah... pero nagkabati din kami dahil kelangan ko ng brusko at dekalidad na amigo para ipareha sa mga amiga kong malapit nang kalawangin. hehe.

so bakit naman ganyan ang spelling ng name mo, parang bisaya... katigas. sabi naman nya:

ganto kasi yan. si daddy ko ang pangalan nya - jose. si mama ko - maria. e kesa naman daw jesus ( hay frend buti nlang!) Jerum nlang daw - short for Jerusalem. hmmn, oo nga naman.

so that's all for now - work becomes a little more challenging starting mamaya kasi mapapalitan na ang hinahawakan kong geos. sana walang masyadong magiging issue.

bye for now - ciao amigo..

kapeng walang caffeine

kaninang mga bandang 10 nagising ako. unang tanong ko sa sarili ko, kakain ba o hindi na? pagkatapos nun nagaway na naman kami ng konsensya ko. sabi nya wag na daw ako umalis ng bahay. antayin ko nlang daw ulit tawagin ako ng antok. sabi ko naman kelangan ko na magpalit ng contacts kaya dapat pumunta ako ng cubao. at syempre kalimitang nangyayari nasusupalpal ang konsensya. tuloy ako sa cubao.

pasok ako sa ideal. maetching ung girlet na umentertain sa akin. halos sigawan ako sa pag-aakalang hindi ko naiintindihan ang tagalog nya. ang gusto nya tanggalin ang contacts at magpahinga ng 30 mins bago nya kunin ung grado ng mata ko. ang gusto ko itest nya na agad kasi hindi lang ako sure kung tama bang -3.5 at -3.25 ung grado ko. hindi daw. kelangang me manggaling sa machine. ok fine. bagong gising ako. kaya kong kumain ng matabang babaeng naninigaw. sige sabi ko mag-antay ng 30 mins.

naalala ko kulang nga pala ung dala kong pera. magwiwithdraw. babaita balik ako after 30 mins tawag ko sa girlet. k. lakad pakaliwa - squint - diretso kanan - squint... ang hirap pala ng buhay pag malabo ang paningin. sabi nga ni samjuan parang usok lang sa bagong saboy na nagbabagang uling. awa ng diyos nakabalik naman ako ng maayos and in less than 10 mins luminaw muli ang aking malabong mundo.

dumaan ako sa booksale at naghanap ng mga pwedeng pampaantok na libro. naku naman kung bakit lahat ng murang libro kung hindi naninilaw sa kalumaan e mga mystery at murder cases. aantukin ba naman ako pagkatapos ko basahin mga un? ni wala kahit isang naligaw na romance novel. ang nabili ko ung diaries of anne frank ( ok naninilaw ng konti) at how to sleep still at night (the hilarious side of parenting - ewan kung soon e gusto ko na ding maging parent, hehe). at isang back issue ng cosmo dahil sa caption na "things in your closet that make you look chunky". hmmn, baka maubos na laman ng closet ko pagkatapos.

kakatawa nga kasi pagbalik ko sa bahay akala ko naman sobrang artistahin ako at mag tetext message memory almost full ang inbox ko. oh em gee ni isang missed call o text ng smart man lang wala! hindi ko na inexpect na itetext ako ni carlo today kasi hinoldap sya ng prc earlier this week. anyhow bandang papapikit na ako tumayming naman syang nakitext sa kakosa nya at nangangamusta.

ganyan lumipas ang friday ko at ngayon inaantok na naman ako, salamat sa kapeng walang caffeine.

pests

i dunno why i stayed in that boarding house for so long - not very conducive to sleep and not very clean. imagine cockroaches just trailing along as if they have a right to the place. they're not even paying rent!

so anyways i had one thing that quizzed me. i drink tea that makes my bowels sooo loose so i kind of drink it after 2 days of not going to the loo. i was supposed to have it right now but when i took it out of my locker i saw that familiar opening only those pests can make. so i was supposed to fume mad but on second look, hey the paper inside was intact. it had me wishing for the first time that the pest ate every bit of the tea. hah, sweet revenge if it did. loose bowels? whoa, i just can't help but smile wickedly. bad thing those pests knew when to eat what.

anonymity

at first i thought i can use blogger to spill the darker inks of my mind and stay out of people's scrutiny by completely anonymizing my profile (if there's a word like that). but then for for aiming to please everybody i end up always on the look out for some indication. so why not be who i am and just never mind the rest? after all what i blog about is never another me i make up just to please anybody. for once i can stand up for the kind of person i am, flawed but nevertheless true to myself.

my life would suck without you

i wonder how things turn out fine even when i think i sucked big time. i and my bf had one of those many drink sessions (which does not make me a heavy drinker btw) and so tired as i was from the long travel the spirit took me soaring over my sanity. the next thing i knew was me laid down, all cleaned up, and with a grinding hypothalamus. carlo asked if i remember puking and naming him michael during my blankenness (that's how i funnily name the state) and i only look him stupidly in the eye as if he's talking in french. i can't remember any of those. but what stuck until now is him cleaning my mess up and him still brewing coffee to ease the headache.

it's not all about the coffee but the idea behind that hit me. for being at my worst i saw how he can still love me. he found me at my worst and he remained until i was able to turn the tide. he was all i never thought i deserve after a failed relationship stripped me of deserving a guy who can love me as i am. a failed relationship i thought i had my head ruling over while people all the while thought i fed my brains to the dogs.when we met i laid all the cards and asked outright if he can take them.

he walked out on me and that day became one of the darkest - as dark as when i was cut off from the family for thinking way below what they perceive my iq is. an hour later he came back and thus began a partnership that was founded in truth, sincerity, and acceptance. he got all the cards and the coffee reminded me that indeed he took it all - even the joker.

i never thought that falling in love can make me feel absolved of all the stupidity i've been doing.i have lost in love and sucked big time but i never lost hope that when i have righted all the wrongs that failed me, he'll come along and fill the hollows and complete me. carlo did all of that and i am more than thankful that hope made me see him as he walked past me during those blurry days.

my life would really have sucked had it not been because of him.