Not
many know about my pregnancy yet. I and my husband are still waiting
for that “right time” to announce it to the world that finally we are
again having a baby. I have read a lot from the internet as to what time
is the right time but for us, our reason roots from an unsuccessful
pregnancy last year.
From
a previous blog I promised to tell you about that sweet but yet too
fast journey I had with her. What better time than now that I am
expecting her brother/sister to continue the love she has begun? And of
course it tells me that I have completely healed and ready to let go of
all the pain that came with her passing.
I
had been feeling nauseous for a week before flying to the US for a
three-month long training so to be sure I went to Medical City-Trinoma
to confirm my hunch. Three days before my flight I saw through the
sonogram my baby’s heart beating. She was 7 weeks old.
The
first trimester did not come easy. I was far away from my husband and
from the usual food. I still work even when I don’t feel like doing it
because I am on client territory. I ate odd-looking and smelly hotel
food (only because I am extra sensitive and not that the hotel didn’t
serve good food) even when I really craved for dinuguan and munggo. I
wake up in the middle of the night crying for no reason at all.
It
was not easy getting accustomed to the idea that there’s a life inside
me. As days pass and my belly started to show, I started to pat the bump
and talk to it. It was very awkward at first – I can only get to tell
her hi. Then I started to explain to her why she’s not hearing dad’s
voice and how she’ll hear it soon; sing to her songs; and tell her what
happened at work. The bonding ultimately stuck, I can now call myself a
mother.
A week before I flew back home I had to get a medical clearance. The
trip to the hospital is a story in itself. I cannot use the hotel car
to go to Mercy’s Hospital because it is beyond the shuttle’s 5-mile
radius. Jackie, the hotel driver was very gracious to take me and back
on her day-off using her own car. This is her, and the little Wendy’s
ice cream she bought for the baby using her lifetime Wendy’s ice cream
card:
Then came my turn to be checked. The doctor’s name was Jennifer Graybow who had been very accommodating knowing the drill of us foreigners needing those clearances. I think I amused her when after the check up I asked if it is ok for me to take her photo. I told her I wanted to put it in the baby book. Here’s her and me:
And
then I’m back home. My husband looked funny when he saw me and my
5-month belly out of the arrival area. He looked ecstatic with a hint of
disbelief to my enormousness. Nonetheless, it was a very happy reunion.
Breezing
through the three weeks were yet again loads of work and stress that
eventually took its toll on my baby. It took a lot of time for me to
accept that everything was my fault, and yes, up until now I still feel
guilty losing her. Is it love knowing you want
her but not doing more than what could have made her stay? People can
blame me all they want but I’ll take console that God planned it for
reasons He alone will unfold in time.
So
I believe that it’s God’s timing that another baby is on the way. She
was only 5 weeks old when we found out about her but is too early to see
through a sonogram. We saw her when she was 8 weeks old – a tiny heart
beating in what looks like a seed silhouette. She’s now 13 weeks old and
is too young to know if she’s a she or a he so for the meantime I’d
like to call her a she.
The
weeks in between saw me through daily vomiting and nausea and a lot of
food cravings. These were what everybody got to see. Inside, and when
only my husband is there to listen I tell him all my doubts and fears
for this new chance to be happier. I feel better
when he tells me that God knew we wanted a baby so much and we’re more
than ever ready now. Everything that happened was His way to prepare
what He meant for us.