Saturday, July 14, 2012

Angel's Breath

Not many know about my pregnancy yet. I and my husband are still waiting for that “right time” to announce it to the world that finally we are again having a baby. I have read a lot from the internet as to what time is the right time but for us, our reason roots from an unsuccessful pregnancy last year.
From a previous blog I promised to tell you about that sweet but yet too fast journey I had with her. What better time than now that I am expecting her brother/sister to continue the love she has begun? And of course it tells me that I have completely healed and ready to let go of all the pain that came with her passing.
I had been feeling nauseous for a week before flying to the US for a three-month long training so to be sure I went to Medical City-Trinoma to confirm my hunch. Three days before my flight I saw through the sonogram my baby’s heart beating. She was 7 weeks old.
The first trimester did not come easy. I was far away from my husband and from the usual food. I still work even when I don’t feel like doing it because I am on client territory. I ate odd-looking and smelly hotel food (only because I am extra sensitive and not that the hotel didn’t serve good food) even when I really craved for dinuguan and munggo. I wake up in the middle of the night crying  for no reason at all.
It was not easy getting accustomed to the idea that there’s a life inside me. As days pass and my belly started to show, I started to pat the bump and talk to it. It was very awkward at first – I can only get to tell her hi. Then I started to explain to her why she’s not hearing dad’s voice and how she’ll hear it soon; sing to her songs; and tell her what happened at work. The bonding ultimately stuck, I can now call myself a mother.
A week before I flew back home I had to get a medical clearance.  The trip to the hospital is a story in itself. I cannot use the hotel car to go to Mercy’s Hospital because it is beyond the shuttle’s 5-mile radius. Jackie, the hotel driver was very gracious to take me and back on her day-off using her own car. This is her, and the little Wendy’s ice cream she bought for the baby using her lifetime Wendy’s ice cream card:

















Then came my turn to be checked. The doctor’s name was Jennifer Graybow who had been very accommodating knowing the drill of us foreigners needing those clearances. I think I amused her when after the check up I asked if it is ok for me to take her photo. I told her I wanted to put it in the baby book. Here’s her and me:

 
And then I’m back home. My husband looked funny when he saw me and my 5-month belly out of the arrival area. He looked ecstatic with a hint of disbelief to my enormousness.  Nonetheless, it was a very happy reunion.
Breezing through the three weeks were yet again loads of work and stress that eventually took its toll on my baby. It took a lot of time for me to accept that everything was my fault, and yes, up until now I still feel guilty losing her.  Is it love knowing you want her but not doing more than what could have made her stay? People can blame me all they want but I’ll take console that God planned it for reasons He alone will unfold in time.
So I believe that it’s God’s timing that another baby is on the way. She was only 5 weeks old when we found out about her but is too early to see through a sonogram. We saw her when she was 8 weeks old – a tiny heart beating in what looks like a seed silhouette. She’s now 13 weeks old and is too young to know if she’s a she or a he so for the meantime I’d like to call her a she.
The weeks in between saw me through daily vomiting and nausea and a lot of food cravings. These were what everybody got to see. Inside, and when only my husband is there to listen I tell him all my doubts and fears for this new chance to be happier.  I feel better when he tells me that God knew we wanted a baby so much and we’re more than ever ready now. Everything that happened was His way to prepare what He meant for us.

Make It Better


I am upset right now. I have a big problem of meshing things to one big ball then letting it roll over me. I am already past into seeing the superficial when things are laid down for me to react on. It is not even necessary that I should be reacting this way, as told, but when I tell you what I am coming from, even I have convinced myself I have every right to react that way for expression’s sake.
It’s happening again. But only this time I am clearly put in a situation that wants me to feel sorry of something that I have no control of, and maybe not even an issue to who is concerned. I see it as plain cut-throat actualization.
-  I found this scribble months after and took some time to understand what was it all about. It was about people picking me over another. Why was I upset? Because it was very clear to me that picking any one from us was unnecessary. I was able to point it out to them, not sure if I should feel sorry that I had to make them see what was there all along.
- Lesson learned? Know when you are upset. it tells you that something is not right and that you have to do something about it to feel better.