Kaya naging boarder ako sa Room4 na isa sa mga private rooms ng Naguilian District Hospital. Usual na sa akin ang matusukan ng dextrose, lagyan ng board ang kamay, at tusukan ng supository sa puwet.
Isang midwife si mama sa Bagulin at malapit na kaibigan nya si Doctor Hector Benas. He is Dr Benas to everybody but to me he is the doctor who would come and say you may now go home, sign my release papers, and chat with mama yet again na parang antagaaaal tagal nilang hindi nagkita at hindi nauubusan ng pinagkukuwentuhan whichever order they prefer. I would fondly remember him as the man in white who's always had the stethoscope hanging by his neck. He had that distinct voice na makikilala mo agad na sya yun kahit hindi pa sya nakakarating sa room mo. Bigla ko syang namiss at gusto ko syang mameet ulit kung mareremember pa kaya nya ako.
Madami akong magaganda at malulungkot na alaala sa NDH. Noon, bago ka makapasok sa driveway ng hospital, makikita mo dun ung taong grasa na si Tony. Hindi ko na nga alam kung buhay pa un ngaun pero naging parte sya ng alaala ko kasi palagi akong takot at may kaba tuwing nasa malapit sya. Tipong baka bigla ka na lang habulin o kaya batuhin ng graba.
Excited din ako palagi kapag oras na ng kainan na lagi lang ding nauuwi sa walang ganang pagkain kasi nga hindi umuubra ang taste buds. Nakakatuwang panoorin ang pagdating ng mga stainless trays na may mga food partitions para sa kanin, dalawang ulam, at panghimagas.
May isang pagkakataon din na dumalaw si Auntie T, ang tita kong fairy godmother na syang forever kong pinagkakautangan ng magandang buhay ko ngayon. Naaalala ko talaga yung dala nyang Cream-O chocolate na nasa octagon box. Ganto ang itsura nya pero kulay blue. Gandang ganda ako kasi ang ganda ng bukasan. Pag isasara mo para syang flower. Hindi madaling makakain ng chocolate dati at lalong hindi ka mabibigyan ng basta basta kung wala din lang okasyon (kiber kung ang okasyon ay ang pagkakaconfine ko) o kung wala kang kamag-anak na balikbayan. Napakaspecial ng feeling ko noon. Feeling ko gagaling na ako agad.
Maliban sa lagi akong naoospital nung bata ako, fast forward to third year high-school, dito din ako naadmit nang madengue ako. Medyo vague ang memory pero naaalala ko na noong day na pauwi na kami ni Anti Pacing, ang aking dakilang tagabantay, ay kinailangang tanggalin ang aking dextrose. Sabi diinan ko daw yung pinagturukan. Nanghihina pa rin ata ako siguro noon at naibaba ko ang kamay ko kaya biglang sumirit ang dugo. Eeew.
Dito ko din nafeel ang isang napakagandang uri ng pagmamahal ni Daddy R. Read story here.
At ang dalawa sa pinakaspecial na memory ko dito sa NDH ay noong ipinanganak ako ni Mama dito sa mundong ibabaw at ang paglisan din ni Mama para makapagpahinga na sa paraiso ni Papa God.
February 25, 1997. Nasa morning class ako bilang Grade 4-Dahlia transferee sa Naguilian Elementary School. Inilipat ako dito galing sa Bagulin Central School dahil sa biglang lumalang kondisyon ni Mama M na pitong taon nang nakikibaka sa sakit na cancer. Nakita ko si Uncle Roman na biglang dumungaw sa pinto at nag-excuse me kay Mam Tamzon. Pagkatapos nilang mag-usap tinawag na ako ni Mam at sinabing pwede na akong sumama kay uncle sa araw na iyon.
It was a little hazy remembering that day right now because it hurts a lot. I was 10 years old and only understood cancer as the sickness that took away mama's breast. I did not comprehend that it also took away a lot of my growing up years without her.
Pagdating namin sa Room J ata yun, ung pinakadulong room sa south wing nakita ko si mama sa hospital bed na pinupunasan ang lips ng cotton na ni-dip sa water. May lemon pa akong naaalala maybe they used it too to moisten her lips. Hirap na pala syang huminga noon even with her oxygen tank on kaya sa mouth na sya humihinga. Daddy was there, Manong Ryan, Uncle Roman, and Tuddingan peeps. Manong Ev was en route from DMMMSU because he was first year high school then.
I think I was told to go hug her and I didn't even know if I did. I hope I did. And it hurts a lot now placing myself in that moment and knowing that that is the last hug we're ever going to share. All other movements in the room became hazy again then I remember a priest coming in reading his small book of prayer of anointment to mama. Now I can see how she would gasp for air as she listens, her eyes blankly staring but with tears falling once in a while. I will never know what those tears were for but hoped were of peace and forgiveness. She then went and I had to be told that mama had already gone. I did not know how to react amidst the crying, I didn't even shed a tear right away - something I would do for so many years after.
Then time passed by. I believe that I can write as vividly and articulately now -
maybe because time healed all the deepest wounds, even those that went right through the heart;
maybe because I wanted to walk back in time if only to be reminded of how beautiful every moment spent with loved ones is, even the trivial ones;
maybe because I need to let them out so I can fill it with new ones.
It took me twenty years of crying. I did a post entitled Mama Merced and another entitled Daddy Rudy back in 2009 and posted in Friendster but lost them when the site closed. I spent two days writing each not because I did not have anything to write but because I cry each time I try to finish. I even got a feedback saying he cried reading them - that's how it hurt before. Hits right through each time. I still got teary eyed yesterday and had to continue now but not as close to what I went through that time.
I am older now, much more in good terms with letting go and death. While there are times we go through life unscathed - of which we'll always be thankful of - I'll always look differently at NDH as that place where death becomes much more meaningful by the kind of life it was lived in.
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